![]() I couldn’t hold down a job, everything I did seemed to be the wrong choice (big surprise considering my drug usage). Lethal dosages had me hospitalized a few more times. I had experienced drugs already but I started using extremely heavily, everything and anything that would take my mind elsewhere. When someone wants to block things out they generally turn to drugs. Well I couldn’t fucking turn it off and so I decided that if I couldn’t turn it off I would just block it out. That it’s not okay for me to feel this way and I should just be able to turn it off. Here is a doctor telling me my depression is not valid. I had never felt so ashamed or guilty in my life. He said, “Kurt, you’re a 19 year old kid from New York, there are a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than you. I had to see a doctor for evaluation for committal or release and what he said to me did quite a bit of damage. I’ll never forget the second time I was hospitalized. I started cutting really bad, attempted suicide twice, and was subsequently hospitalized twice. I went through my worst bout of depression when I was around 19 years old. I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. Mix in some imposter syndrome (which is really depression in disguise for me) and I’m ready to never to get out of bed again. How bad I am at my job and how I’m falling behind and everything is on the verge of collapsing into full chaos. Telling me how terrible of a father and husband I am. I’m normally some varying degree of depressed that ranges from can’t fake a smile for the kids or wife, to life isn’t so bad so I’ll put on a happy face. Right this very second, as I type these very words, I’m depressed. I’m fucking depressed, but it’s going to be okay. ![]()
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